Storytime!
For anyone who knows me or has read the majority of my earlier posts - I am not the best at communicating😅. It is not intentional, but honestly, it’s hard for me to open up without the right question. I can be one who typically only answers what you ask and will not necessarily expand on it. Some say it's a real skill issue, but maybe I needed a different approach.
My problem stems from not asking the right questions and, therefore, not getting the right questions asked. Asking and receiving generic, close-ended questions often left more questions than answers. However, asking and receiving broad questions with no anchor point often leads to a potentially overwhelming question with an underwhelming response.
As a former overthinker, this was not helpful. I have limited proficiency in Yapanese, so I have started trying to be a better listener and ask the right or at least better questions. But sometimes, I also need to embrace the silence without the need to be felt in the gaps (a.k.a. A real Lord Kilmartin for those Bridgetonians). I disliked the idea of me talking just for the sake of it [Upon reflection, this isn’t even true. I do not know the value I can bring to the conversation. Therefore, I would rather listen and not talk - taking value from the conversation for the fact that I viewed any input I would contribute as insignificant … until it wasn’t - but this is a conversation for another day] For this to happen, the conversation needs to flow, and asking good questions at a sensible time can give the space to be heard and allow the person to talk to the whole of England. Many challenges with having a good conversation (or at least feeling you're having a good conversation) are highly engaging conversation openers.
A year ago, a friend asked me what well-being meant to me. This is not how the conversation started; we discussed goals for the year and ended up discussing well-being. I defined well-being into three main components:
My Mental well-being: how I am feeling emotionally and my immediate perspective and outlook on life
My Spiritual well-being: how is my spiritual walk doing
My Physical well-being: how is my body doing? How are my physical health, conditions and physical goals?
"So how are you doing in these 3 section of well-being?".Â
My Yapanese kicked in, and I started talking about how I was doing in the gym, my emotions during the week, and how my Christian walk was going. We spoke about well-being for the best of an hour.
This was the first time I had talked about life in my defining sections: Mental, Physical, and Spiritual life, and the first time I actively mentioned it outside goals. Well, not quite—the topic of conversation was goals, but this would be the last time I would only mention it as just a goal.
Fast-forward to the present day, and asking my friends about their mental, physical, and spiritual health and well-being is almost normalised for me.
Sometimes, it is more direct, and sometimes, it is more subtle. Nevertheless, I enjoy learning about their experiences from a much more personal perspective and creating an environment for potentially more difficult conversations.
Asking about my friend's well-being is an easy way for me to bypass the "how are you" conversation (which I think is not generally answered well) with a much more elaborate version of it. It allows for expansion reflection and gives our emotions a good clean🧼.
It has reached the point where I have even shortened it to MSP, which reflects the positions in my well-being goals ( and MSP has a better ring to it than MPS despite often doing it in that order).
So why talk about MSP
As much as I enjoy using MSP with friends, learning with them, and doing life with them, MSP is just one of my tools for a typical problem.
It is becoming much easier not to build a connection. We Londoners (and Londoners adjacent) can say things more as a formality and a greeting than an actual check-in and care for the person. Certain things no longer breed the same space for conversation as they used to do. We live in a world where "How are you?" has to be followed up with "How are you really though?" (after reading a social cue) to ensure we get an appropriate response. MSP is not a bulletproof method, but I can attest that when I have been able to ask it, it has allowed for a more open conversation. It is not how good the question is but how well one can build from it. I will not pretend that I am close to getting good at conversation. It is still a journey I constantly embark on and go back to. But at least I have stopped trying to play a safe game. Healthy relationships are both safe and very risky. Relationships take work and require contact. But loneliness kills. Isolation and feeling abandoned are harder to deal with in the long run, and no one is immune.
So, as you continue your journey, what skills have you equipped yourself with to have meaningful conversations? How do you express yourself to people, and maybe more importantly, are you expressing yourself to your friends? Can you ask and answer deep questions requiring you to show more vulnerability? Are you genuinely asking how they are doing Mentally? Spiritually? Physically? Maybe it is time to ask how their MSP is rather than just asking how they are.
Shine Bright
Steph