Do you have what it takes to tango?
Reflecting on being present, communicating, intentionally and loving was something I have never sat down and addressed before. My playstyle was to cloak and dagger, not to tango and make tackles.
Firstly let’s define cloak-and-dagger.
cloak-and-dagger: which I refuse to use in its correct adjective form, is a way to describe something involving secrets and mysteries or something that would suggest otherwise. However, I would say that it is being adaptable and going to the lengths to cloak[cover, protect, guard, mask, hide] and dagger: [kill, bury, silence, destroy, bottle] something in somecases myeself that would prefer to be kept unknown, unseen or closed - johari window
Why couldn't I tango?
Tango is like a language. At its heart, it is exploring the dialogue of two people: communication. Despite requiring a leader and follower to learn to listen and respond, it takes two people to tango. I can lead or follow well in a perfect setting. Unfortunately, life doesn’t give you an ideal - let alone perfect- situation and most of the time, you got to learn to make the most of it. Despite knowing this, I still don’t. Over-preparing mentally, overthinking, boundaries or the lack thereof. I am no improviser and still mix my left foot and my right foot; without a system would fall on my face. But I hadn’t even realised I would be cloak-and-daggering rather than learning to tango, the art of communication.
One conversation I vividly remember during my first year of university was how one friend was annoyed by another friend when they said they wouldn’t miss them. Their defence was that they generally find it hard to miss people. I didn’t find this hard to believe. After all, I was also in a similar mindset. It wasn’t like I didn’t enjoy people present - often far from it. However, my combative or reactive response is cloak-and-dagger. Learn to cloak, watch dynamics, and be prepared to remove your presence - becoming invisible a Phantom. Don’t risk getting too close, knowing that you trust easily. People will let you down. Prepare to hose anything that feels too much, and always play to avoid injuries. Be prepared to sacrifice every emotion or connection attached and sever any bonds formed from a slice of a dagger. Get accustomed to feeling alone and be ok with the worse case scenarios… The pessimism and the critics could go on and on.
It is still weird to think I associated with these things and never thought to address or challenge them. Let’s be honest. If you have done all this groundwork to not get too attached to someone and then kill the feeling immediately if there is a risk of disconnect in the relationship, what is there to miss? Most of the “missing ” part was already done in the groundwork and hardened my heart, preparing me for the worse. It begs the question, what would stop me from seeing the worse in people? Despite feeling this, I remember partly answering that life goes on and some other jargon. It was likely a cloak-and-daggerish response.
Nana's post constantly reminds me that loving is a contact sport. When I think of contact sports, I think of typical contact sports like American football and rugby. The way I show love looks much more like volleyball or squash. My default stance was to try to excuse myself for not making too much contact and love from afar. The playbook was passive, disappearing, cloak-and-dagger. An inhibition towards social interaction trilogy. This is what I knew and thought was best. My tendency became to avoid and miss the tackle unless the circumstances changed. Isolation was my biggest playmaker. There is a suggestion that the way of you deal with stressful situations/experiences is the opposite of your love language. My love language is quality time.
For a period, being a phantom was great. It felt like I could seamlessly meet new people and wasn’t worried if my heart was on my sleeve, in my foot or out of my butt. I could seamlessly ask questions and get opinions I may not have liked or wouldn’t have gotten asking directly as intended, knowing that I could detach myself from how I felt. After all, I was ready to implement cloak-and-danger at any moment. In reality, a phantom player was always in a position with problems caused by a number of missed tackles. I tend to always match the energy of others, which meant that although I was meant to be learning to tango, there was a good chance that I was only mimicking moves and not learning, reflecting rather than connecting. It felt easier to become relatable with little relation and common ground, but I didn’t connect deeper, preferring to stay in the shallow pool. It was easier not to miss people because I couldn’t fathom being missed, and I would rather not think about the connection with people that could or should develop, refusing to use initiative and lead the tango. It was easy with a little contact involved; I wasn’t trying to play rugby. It was easier to be cloaked and daggered. It is not that I didn’t miss people. I had just learned, conditionally in most cases, to already accepted the possibility of their presence being absent and guarded myself so that it wouldn’t bother me. I took the position where I didn’t expect my presents to be noticed or be a bother in the first place. I was numb to feeling. Shrouded by layers of protection, it was no longer the act of protecting one’s heart; I was paralysing it.
Although I sometimes want to cloak and dagger, I am trying to get better at being open. In this world- despite all the facts, fiction and betrayal -you don’t need to do it alone. No man is an island, and no one can do it alone. It is great to be independent, but to truly thrive; people need communities in life - an interdependency. To do that, I need to make some big tackles and properly support and sacrifice for my teams. I need to go out and learn to tango.
So give yourself some time and ask: What are your relationships like? Are you cloaking and daggering? Who comes to mind right now? Have you spoken to them recently? If you haven’t, maybe give them a call or a message to let them know. Let’s be more conscious and international with our efforts and support each other in our journeys.
Shine bright
Steph
These posts don't disappoint! Indeed a bad boy writer Steph! With real affluence of how to conduct language into useful, meaningful and witty think pieces!