I am not able to fully grasp how privileged I am in these situations And in some cases, I never truly will. Not being able to fully grasp things now has never been more applicable than now. Sometimes the Stigmation is too real. You become fixated on one problem or one thing and you can’t see anything else. To really understand what is going on, sometimes you need to step out and see the bigger picture. So, reader, I leave just leave some of my thoughts. I am just expressing what I see through my lens which are more tinted than I thought. One person told me straight up that it was because I didn’t have to fear men. To take a quote out of some people’s books “I am just a small boy” - No, it just doesn’t work the same when I do it…
What is Manhood?
This is a conversation I love to play and engage with partly because I can feel like I can just disconnect for the most part and with little consequence of my own. But the question really is a difficult one. What even does modern-day manhood look like in this age, can men only see through a stigma and are straight men and black men public enemy number one?
It is hard to say where a problem lies if it is intuitively ingrained and programmed already. And for the first time in history, it is being fully under attack Nevertheless:
1) There is a still massive cultural/social functioning belief about the social category of gender. Although there is change, these altercations have not been significant to abandon [all] these beliefs. Also, men have had little if not any alteration from this functioning belief in society in comparison to women.
Don’t believe me?
Oxford learner's definition of Manhood [for argument's sake I have taken the top two]
the state or period of being a man rather than a child.
the qualities that a man is supposed to have, for example, courage, strength and sexual power
And Womanhood:
The state of being a woman rather than a child
Women in general
Men are still very much held to a rigged standard of certain qualities that they must uphold from a societal perceptive compared to women. However, I must note that this argument obviously falls flat because although that is the current societal view, women are still held to rigged standards of qualities in different cultures and communities of what they define as womanhood,msigonism upholds the view of categorising gender and gender roles and goes back to the argument of how there is still a massive cultural/social functioning belief about the social category of gender.
2) A societal patriarchy a re-shift
We act as if we simply live in a one-glove-fits-all approach in society. If you are not the solution, you are the problem. Black and White. The patriarchy has actually had little effect on elitism for the people that have really benefitted from it compared to the way it has affected views on men and women.
Let’s treat masculinity as a collective of a common group of traits such as courage, strength and leadership for example [it would help every time you read masculine traits or masculinity you just replace it with these words]. The patriarchy was built on the forms and idea of which families and society are governed by the father or eldest son and these people had a lot of responsibility. The responsibility and pressure that are not of their own choice, meant that to survive and thrive in the world you had to display “masculine traits”. As it was men who were running the show, men went through this for many years and society believed that these traits could only be perceived in men, it is what made them special. That was until the introduction of women working, and market capitalism, when the elite realised these traits are not just found in men and that these “masculine traits” are everywhere and women have been expressing them in abundance for centuries.
This is what I think in this modern day. The patriarchy is built on the symbol of masculine traits - these traits, which run the world. Therefore in my opinion patriarchy isn’t dead, it is just no longer favouring men but those who hold what society deems as having these unquantifiable “masculine” traits to some extent. And let’s not be ignorant, women are definitely running the world too, although in some cases may not be as obvious. After all, most 1st world economies mostly rely on women, even if it seems that men are in control. Yes, men still hold the power because of the patriarchy but let’s be real if society has pushed this symbol of femininity and therefore womanhood with these traits and this was the only way to make it in life and then everyone finds out they have these traits, not just women, it will still take time for society to breakdown the social functioning belief that still perceives these traits as feminine and therefore in women. This is not me undermining the oppression women have had to deal with nor justifying the patriarchy. However, I do think the patriarchy to an extent is just pseudo-capitalism. This leads to our current problem…
3)Manhood vs Misgony
[Thunder and lighting, enter Misogyny, toxic masculinity and incel culture]
There are probably more ways to define how to have hate or be hostile to women but there is a recurring theme of hatred of women…
There is a conversation I remember one time last year when my younger brother came home from in a really awful mood. They were having that talk about sex education, it seemed that they were trying to explain sexual consent and sexual harassment. But he came home saying he hates girls and hates that he got told that he was the problem [by every girl in his class] and that he would always grow up to be a problem, without even knowing how or why! In hindsight, it was actually all the boys that got told this but he had yet to fully understand the nature of the conversation. Nevertheless, I had to really question how well it was taught it if has come to him coming home to say he hates girls. I think their aim was in the right direction trying to educate the children about these issues. But if a 10-year-old is coming home to say he hates women, as dramatic as it sounds, I don’t think they truly achieved what they were trying to do. Girls should be empowered, but not at the cost of boys becoming misogynistic! Educating men should not create more misogynism.
I will be honest, I think part of misogynism is born out of jealousy and entitlement. Parts of it hating change and is a defence to what little traditional and societal cultural beliefs men have left based on categories of gender roles - a serious Metathesiophobia. These are by no means excuses but with a growth of misandry which gets quietly swept under feminism, is hard to see where the vicious cycle ends. Don’t get me wrong, there are countless things that men in society probably deserve and warrant misandry, but am no advocate for double standards and women have definitely done things that can fuel a misogynist fire. Just as misogyny exists, misandry exists too, the two frontlines in a gender war.
Then there is sexual entitlement. The rise of loneliness, rejection, pornhub and lack of self-control has definitely been adding fuel to this uncontrollable fire. The peak of toxic masculinity believing that you are owed sex because you are a man and that women should pay attention to you is the least human thing there is. However, with the culture that saw value in men that were able to court women and sleep around and with manhood also being defined by their sexual power, it is hard to see why incels didn't exist. The problem is that culture was wrong and incel is a classic example of two wrongs that don’t make a right.
Misogyny vs. Manhood in itself is an endless discussion because of which traits of Manhood have given birth to misogyny and which were misogynistic and guided by society in the first place. I am not here to comment although will definitely talk more a men’s health and the shortcomings of manhood another time. Personally, I would say it becoming more difficult for men to put women into a “social” category, in contrast, it is a lot easier for women to put men in one. Manhood is becoming boxed up, shaken well and exploding everywhere often as very toxic. Sometimes the signs are there, and we ignore them. Manhood is very much aware of the change and can often be enthused by the change, It can consistently see the role and yet has no understanding of change and is rather reactive and passive. In short, Manhood has never really needed to self-reflect and advance before. It is harder to see safe spaces for men and can feel [hetersexual] men can even be taking the safety out of the space for simply being men - again though sometimes very much warranted. Society has definitely enabled men to get away with things that should have been addressed and avoid issues that shouldn’t have been avoided but modern society has told manhood to mature. Manhood doesn’t provide spaces for rejection and leaves one interpersonal adrift. Manhood has relied on an outdated patriarchy and society's gender categories. Manhood has never been easy and being told that it needs to change is not easy, especially when something is [inadvertly] contradicting or forcing something that it isn’t. Manhood is convoluted and complex because of the need for reconstruction of a new function, and purpose. Manhood on its only journey to really redefine in the current day - What is Manhood?
Steph
P.S. Just like a lack of an ending, this piece is far from finished, and so is the conversation…