Hero Complex

Red and Yellow

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

Hero, Mariah Carey.

Whether you are a Marvel or DC fan and enjoy heroes in the Avengers or the Justice League; or do prefer the mythical or historical adventures of Robin Hood and Saint George? Nevertheless, heroes have been a central theme in human culture often used to inspire generations of people. And like in Mariah’s song, there is always a hero within us. But about those who are always in hero mode. What about the physiological effects of the lesser hero in IRL, or more accurately the effects of the impulsive subconscious desire to help people? The ego we generate from being “heroes”?

Something I am coming to terms with is this subconscious desire to help people. It was something that I had not addressed, or ever thought to address until I burned out. At its core, the hero complex is the deep desire to help/ save people - to “save the day” - even when it is not necessary. Or better still how I wrote about it the first time I went through it: imagine mansplaining for actions…

Being a hero is not wrong. Helping people is not wrong. Saving people and lives is not wrong. Neither do I want to say that the hero complex is wrong so do not take this as the take-home message. But nothing is black and white - especially with the dark themes of superheroes like that explored through Homelander in The Boys. And to start with the hero complex, we must start with egocentrism.

As humans, our pride has a massive impact on how we view the world. Egocentrism often plays a big role in how we view the world and how it shapes the narrative we construct about our own. As the main character of our personal lives, we will always focus on our handwork, preparation and prowess. This ego-driven narrative emphasizes merit and skill, weaving a tale where success results from personal attributes.

What does egocentrism have to do with the hero complex?

The issue with the hero complex is that on a surface level … nothing!

To most, whether in the state or not, the hero complex is just one egocentric view of the world and how it is perceived. In this case, it viewing yourself as the hero of your personal life. This heroism could be perceived by others as flirting or just being helpful. But to most in a general sense, it leads to benefits. So imagine, people who know how to and are keen on “saving people” and helping in your time of need IRL, it sounds amazing! Why would anyone do all of this?

Surprising (or unsurprisingly) there is a cost and the reality is that the hero complex is built on a misguided attempt to indirectly fulfil emotional needs, such as affirmation, validation and a sense of purpose. These build some other characteristics which include:

• A need to make a difference (desire for validation)

• Obsession with Controlling situations - (needing to be directly involved in fixing actions - micromanagement)

• Neglecting Self-care

• Difficulty in accepting help

• Being overwhelmed/ drained

• Low self-esteem

• Fear of rejections

• Guilt over past mistakes

• Aversion to conflict

• A need to feel needed

• Perfectionism

Disclaimer: These are just some things that noticed and agreed with, this is not an exhaustive list nor should be used for a self-diagnosis, I am not a psychologist, just interested in the theme.

Although, like most things in life, there are some short-term benefits, the longer-term implications (like those displayed by Homelander) are less than beneficial to society or the individual, especially entitlement (a need to feel needed/to make a difference), control and unrealistic expectations (perfectionism).

Before we go and emphasise the problems, let's redefine a more concrete definition: the hero complex is the compelling desire to prove one’s worth through courageous and difficult actions, usually involving some form of rescue or achievement.

This means that the hero complex can be applied to our romantic pursuits as well. A person with a constant “I can help them, I can fix them, I can change them” narrative and always going after people with red flags ( as in, they knew what the red flags were before and still decided to engage and expected to fix them) is just partaking in a hero complex, more romantically. You are after all saving the next person down the line and if “I can help them” becomes “only I can help them” - a Saviour Complex.

The problem developed from a hero complex seems to be very noticeable when you are aware of the traits. Here are some problems listed below:

• Emotional burnout

• Resentment

• Feeling unappreciated

• Strained relationship

• Neglected personal needs

• Unhealthy Boundaries

• Compassion fatigue

• Saviour Complex - a unique version of hero complex often choosing to help people they believe are damaged or need fixing or thinking you the only person that can save them

Why Hero Complex?

Something I am coming to terms with is this subconscious desire to help people. This in itself isn't necessarily bad, but we aren’t called to be Superheros - and that's OK!

I admit that I needed more savings than I probably allowed myself at times and probably didn’t have the healthiest boundaries. I probably overexert myself at times when help was not asked ( and when it wasn’t asked is key ). But it wasn’t until I was part of society did I saw, or developed this understanding of the complex of a hero (for a good seven months) before I crashed and burned. This spiralled out into an emotional outbreak, a wave of negativity resentment and burnout that I had never experienced before. A Hero complex can be born and influenced by anything, and my tickling time bomb was through unhealthy social and societal expectations and boundaries (partly because I had never had them before). I started seeing love, affirmation and appreciation conditionally, becoming more narcissistic and even unconsciously had a change in my love language to combat my misguided understanding. I believe without taking a break and looking at my emotional hygiene, having that support and communication, I might have done a full-on Batman.

So, I try to value emotional hygiene rather than fighting it. This means communicating even when there are things that I can’t tell myself or figure out. Learning to thrive, let alone cope, in difficult times and with negative emotions and burnout, is not easy. There are still a lot of questions to answer and a lot of life to live. But there is light at the end of the tunnel.

So, ask yourself how emotionally hygienic you are. Are you going through a hero complex? Maybe it is time to check your emotions and how hygienic you have been over the last day, week or month.

Shine Bright

Steph